A wealthy lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle along for company.

 One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that

he's lost.  Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his

direction with the intention of having lunch.  The old poodle thinks, "Oh,

oh!  I'm in deep shit now!"

 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down

to chew the bones with his back to the approaching cat.  Just as the leopard

is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly.  "Boy, that was one

delicious leopard!  I wonder if there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in midstrike, a look of

terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.  "Whew!", says

the leopard,  "That was close!  That old poodle nearly had me!"

 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby

tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for

protection.  So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after

the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.  

 

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for

himself with the leopard.

 

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,

monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happed to that conniving

canine!"  

 

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on

 

his  back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running,

the old poodle sits down with his back to his attackers , pretending he hasn't

seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle

says; "Where's that damn monkey?  I sent him off an hour ago to bring me

another leopard!"

 

 Moral of this story . . . . .

 

Don't mess with old farts.  Age and cunning will always overcome youth

and skill!  Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Come on lads here'd another!
The tribal wisdom of the American Indians, passed down from 
generation to  generation, says that when you discover that you're riding a    dead horse,   the best strategy is to dismount. 
In modern education and government, however, a whole range of far more  advanced strategies are often used, such as:
1.	Buying a stronger whip.
2.	Changing riders.
3.	Threatening the horse with termination.
4.	Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5.	Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6.	Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7.	Re-classifying the dead horse as "living impaired."
8.	Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9.	Harnessing several dead horses together to increase their speed.
10.	Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's 
11.	performance.
12.	Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the 
13.	dead horse's performance.
14.	Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less 
15.	costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially 
16.	more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
17.	Re-writing the expected performance requirements for all horses.
Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

The content of many recent postings leads me to the inexorable belief that we all need to go sailing.

I have always like this but as someone has pointed out perhaps sailing is needed

definately needs to get out more!

Terrific stuff.  

I hope you don't mind but I have sent the Horse one to my fellow school governors and also to the head to pass round.  The dog one has gone out too so will be zinging all over the place.  The wonders of the internet mean that it will appear in a week or two on this site again.

Since you liked that one...
Punishment!

These are some funny but groan jokes suitable for all ages and persuasions.

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.   The
stewardess looks at them and says,
 "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton   fields and
never amounted to much. 
The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once again that 
you can't have your kayak andheat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the bar and announces:
 "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. 
 "Because," he said, "I can't stand chessnuts boasting in an open foyer,"

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.   
Her husband responds, "They'retwins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to   buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town   thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to   close down, but they! Would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.   So, the
rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in
town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.  
Terrified, theydid so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath.  This made him ... what?    (This is so bad, it's good)
 A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. A frog hops into a bank and is served by Patricia Whack, the bank clerk. The frog says
 “I’d like a loan please.” 
“How much do you want to borrow?”
“£20,000.00.” says the frog
“Can I take your name says?” the Patricia.
“Kermit Jagger, and my dads Mick Jagger.”
Patti explains that he will need security against the loan, so the frog produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Very confused, Patti goes to consult the manager.
She says “there is a frog outside who wants to use this elephant as collateral. I mean what the hell is it?
And the manager said.
“It’s a knick knack Patti Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a rolling stone!
12. There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it mastered 
easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about rectanguar 
coordinates and it couldn't understand them. All the horse's aquaintences and 
friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't. Then a new guy 
looked at the problem and said,
"Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!"
12.  Consider the plight of an American Indian chief --- afflicted with a   certain intestinal complaint --- who went to the medicine man for help. The medicine man advised him, "Take this twelve inch piece of rawhide.   Bite off an inch of the thong, chew it thoroughly, and swallow it with  cactus juice. Repeat this process once a day, preferably early in the      morning, until the thong has all been chewed. Then, make an appointment   and come back for consultation.  About two weeks later, the chief returned to the medicine man and  indicated his dissatisfaction. The medicine man inquired cheerily, "Is   your stomach still upset?"     
 "Yes", growled the chief. "The thong has ended, but the malady lingers   on."

13. Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy
rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" 
Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally
get to ask him." 
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of
the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go 
ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!" 
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young
man?" 
Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." 
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they
have nuns in Alaska?" 
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." 
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey,ask
him the rest!" 
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues,
"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?" 
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black
nuns in Alaska, yes." 
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey,
ask him the last part!" 

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?" 
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any
midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are
any midget black nuns in Alaska." 
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and
yelling, 
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!" 
13. The Cat and the Fly
See there is this fish and he is  looking at a fly hovering over the water "If that fly would drop six inches I could jump out and catch it."
There is this bear on the bank of the lake and he is saying " If that fly would drop six inches then the fish would jump out to get it and I could grab the fish."
There is a hunter in the forest taking aim at the bear. "He says "If that would drop six inches then the fish would jump aut of the water the bear would reach out for the fish, the bear would come out into the clear and I could shoot it!"
There is a mouse behind the hunter. He is looking at the hunters cheesse sandwich. He says " If that fly would drop six inches the fish would go for the fly, the bear would go for the fish, the hunter would put down his cheese sandwich and go to shoot the bear and I could grab the cheese sandwich."
There is a cat standing back from the mouse. She is saying " If that fly would drop six inches then the fish would jump to get the fly the bear would go for the fish the hunter would put down his cheese sandwich to shoot the bear the mouse would run for the sandwich and I could grab the mouse in a second!"
Then it happened!
The fly dropped six inches.
The fish jumped up and got the fly!
The bear reached out for the fish!
The hunter put down his cheese sandwich and shot the bear!
The mouse ran and picked up the sandwich!
The cat lunged for the mouse, missed and ended up in the water!
The moral?
Everytime a fly drops six inches a pussy gets wet! 




And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Perhaps my memory fails me, but didn't half of these originate from Frank Muir and Denis Norden about a hundred years ago?  In which case, don't forget their explanation for 'ne'er cast a clout 'til May be out', people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones' and other wonders.

Quite right!

Theirs was a long story ending with a shopping list
 - Soup, a cauli, fridge, elastic, eggs, pea, halitosis

They don't write them like that any more! -mercifully.
One more.
Al Capone had a pair of new $300.00 dollar crocodile skin shoes (allow for inflation).They were his pride and joy. Every night he would carefully place them at the end of his bed. One night, however, his cat -in a playful mood- tore them to shreds and set of into the night to persue other pleasures. 
When Al woke up he was inconsolable. His sorrow soon turned to rage. 'Bring me dat cat' he said to his hoods. '$500 dollars for the man who brings him in.'
Before long one of his younger hoods came back clutching a terrified cat, and not being sure if he's got the right one asked, 'Pardon me Al, Is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?'

Or the Danish picnic attended by Hans, Nils Boomps and Daisy!

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. 

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." 
 
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. 

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pullover to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart, and reopen the windows before you could continue.  For some reason, you would simply accept this. 
 
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 

6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 

7. The airbag system would ask, "are you sure?" before deploying. 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 

10. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.

Actual dialogue of a former Customer Support employee (Now I know why they record these conversations!)

"Ridge Hall, computer assistance; May I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with your program.
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in the program, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're way too stupid to own a computer."

Other customer support conversations:

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I  only have 3 of them."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$?
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?"
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't--"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to--"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy.  I'll try again later."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok...but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID' field?"
Customer: "Like I said, 'Case Sensitive'."
-----------------------------------------------                               
Tech Support: "What's on your screenright now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff -- I just want a database!"
-----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."

The Shaggy Frog Story.
A teenage boy goes into a brothel one evening.
He is holding a large north american bull frog by its hind leg, it is very dead.
“I’d like one of your girls please.”
“Can you pay.”
“Oh yes I’ve got dad’s wallet there’s just one thing she’s got to have herpes.”
“All our girls are clean.”
“Sorry not interested”
“Just a minute.”
She makes a ‘phone call.
“We can help you room 9 that’s £50.00.”
He pays and clutching the frog goes upstairs to room 9.
He returns half an hour later. Still clutching the dead frog.
“All right”
“Oh yes.
“Just one thing why the herpes it’s unusual do you mind tell me?”
“Not at all, you Mum  and Dad are out the baby sitter thinks I’ve popped out for a bag of chips, and when I get back I give the baby sitter a good rogering. 
And then when Mum and Dad get back Dad will take  the baby sitter home and Did will give her one on the way home, then when he gets home he’ll do the same to my Mum.
Then in the morning when Dad’s gone to work the milkman will call and he’ll do the same to my mother.
With me so far?”
“Yes”
“Well the milkman’s the bastard who ran my frog over!”

>>On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere the following
people
>>are stranded:
>>2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
>>2 French men and 1 French woman
>>2 German men and 1 German woman
>>2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
>>2 English men and 1 English woman
>>2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
>>2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
>>2 American men and 1 American woman
>>2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
>>2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
>>2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
>>
>>One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
>>
>>One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
>>
>>The two French men and the French woman are living happily
>>together having loads of sex.
>>
>>The German woman has a strict weekly schedule when she
>>alternates with the two German men.
>>
>>The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek
>>woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
>>
>>The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce
>>them to the English woman.
>>
>>The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and
>>one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
>>
>>The two American men are contemplating the virtues of
>>suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about
>>the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of
>>household chores, how her last boyfriend treated her much
>>nicer and how her relationship with her mother is
>>improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not
>>raining.
>>
>>The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for
>>instructions.
>>
>>The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the
>>Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men on
>>the island, after calling them "bloody wankers".
>>
>>One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand
>>woman, the other Kiwi is searching the island for sheep.
>>
>>The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South
>>to make them feel more at home, and by setting up a
>>distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture
>>because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of
>>coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied that at least "those
>>English bastards" are not getting any.

Anyone remember "Rastus and the Bubble Car"? If not I'll find it!

or Drambui Dan?

Since its St Valentines Day this from Dorothy Parker.
"When at last you say you're his
All shivering and sighing
And he says his love is
Infinite undying
Lady just remember this
One of you is lying".